This speech is going to invite abuse and invective, but sadly it is my duty as the guardian of the phyla to write to all of you. This is my Superbowl speech. I make two other important speeches during the year: one before Christmas day decrying humbug, and the other before Valentine's day scorning love. My goal is to educate entire phyla, perhaps even bring about critical reforms.
Some days ago I heard the name "Green Bay Packers" for the first time. I thought that it was a moving company. You know, freight and such. I was surprised that Americans were so excited about a moving company. Is it because America is on the move?
Punning aside, today I know better. I know that the Green Bay Packers is the football team of the University of Wisconsin. Wisconsin? It is that small cold country to the north, bordering Canada. People there are of Viking stock I believe. They send bad weather to Texas every year. The last week was terribly cold. They shut down the highways in San Antonio and gave a day off to the students of the local public University (UTSA) where I teach. I was shocked. If we are going to cut and run every time Wisconsin launches an attack on our borders unleashing the Nordic hordes upon us, where will we be? We are not cowards. Remember the Alamo.
I will shortly be writing to the Secretary General of the UN politely asking him to remove Wisconsin from the comity of nations. Let us prepare to deal with the influx of refugees - the goths, visigoths, ostrogoths, and vikings.
(Okay! Dalgliesh! Focus! Focus!)
Anyhoo! I am rambling.
I am pondering on the barbaric violence about to be unleashed in Dallas tomorrow. Grown men slamming into one another, grunting, shoving, and howling. People cheering wildly, urging the men on to greater violence. And it is all over a pigskin ball.
Then it struck me that we can disconnect football from the Superbowl, and eliminate this unspeakable violence once and for all. How? By the simple act of introducing cricket. Yes, Superbowl should be a cricketing event! Hear me out before you start smashing the furniture.
Tomorrow, everywhere over America, living rooms will be crowded with sweaty men swilling beer, eating hot wings, belching, and breaking wind. Not to mention shouting and breaking things, and uttering vile profanities. A safer alternative is cricket. Cricket can civilize the wild beast that lurks inside man and which appears every year at this time.
With cricket you start leisurely at 9AM. Everything moves slowly with plenty of tea breaks and a lunch break. The audience is well-behaved, nodding thoughtfully at the events unfolding on the green. Events unfold gracefully in cricket. They don't explode all over the place as with football. There is only a quiet glance at your fellow man, a raised eyebrow, and the clinking of tea cups. The only words spoken are a muttered "howzzat?" and "I say!". Anything more is considered unacceptable violence.
And the men on the green move slowly, leisurely. Some of the fielders in the outfield have time to read a sonnet or a profound book. They may occasionally take a break to chase the ball, if they feel like it. The captain can only request a player to do his best with a few polite words. The game is completely absent of hormones, particularly the dreaded testosterone. The fielding side even claps politely when a batsman reaches a milestone. The umpire feels safe, and no one shouts at him or berates him.
During a leisurely five day test match (with a rest day thrown in between) women have time to give birth in the stands, and parents have plenty of time to raise their children to be proper and civilized. You can take a hour-long nap, and wake up, and not much will have changed. The score will not have moved much. I have once written a scientific paper while watching cricket, and missed out nothing on the green. An occasional glance kept me informed. So civilized.
Please consider this alternative carefully. Let us put a stop to this rude and unseemly pushing and shoving, and all that shouting. We have to show that America is a gentle and caring nation, a civilized nation. We can switch to cricket. I can hardly emphasize more. In these difficult times, we have to think of our children, and their children, and theirs. And such.
My Valentine's Day admonishment will follow in a week or so.
