The Battle of the Neural Circuits

Some time ago I got a very close-cropped haircut (it is getting hotter). A day later when I was at the gym a ROTC student in the locker-room stopped me and inquired "Army? Air-force?" I looked him squarely in the eyes and said, "Neurophysiology!"

The remark was impromptu but it got me thinking. Suppose, just suppose that neurophysiology was one of the fighting arms of the military, then imagine! Do read on...

It is an incredibly hot San Antonio evening with temperatures hovering in the mid 200s. I rub my hands in front of a cold fire, the freezing flames flickering blue and white, trying to keep cold, and write ..

The Battle of the Neural Circuits.
 
Recounted by: Lt. Gen. Physiol. R. Ratnam (Retd.) NVIII, fMRI, EEG, ECochG, NIDCD.

Supreme Headquarters Allied Expeditionary Forces, Normandy, March 1944. A concrete bunker. A naked bulb at the end of a grimy wire glowed fitfully over a large table, around which stood three figures poring over a map. General Eisenhower stood in the middle, on either side stood General Sir Bernard Montgomery commander of the British Army Group, and General Omar Bradley commander of the American Army Group. The allies had finally established a bridgehead over Normandy, and the two Army groups were poised to slice through Germany executing a precise pincer movement as they raced towards Berlin.  But all was not well. Silence hung heavily in the air until General Eisenhower sucked his breath in sharply, "won't do!" he said, "ask General Physiologist Sir Dalgliesh to come in, will you?" he said to his aide.

General Physiologist Sir Adam Dalgliesh, recently knighted for his heroic efforts at cutting off the German advance through the median eminence, walked in. Even General Eisenhower, battle-hardened though he was, was in awe of Sir Dalgliesh. By holding on to the median eminence, Sir Dalgliesh prevented the transection of the hypothalamus-pituitary axis, frustrating the German effort to cut off the vital gonadal hormone circulation. He was given the affectionate, albeit informal title, Sir Dalgliesh, GnRH.

Sir Dalgliesh walked in, hair radiating in all directions and eyes gleaming maniacally. He looked at his adjutant and said curtly "A Rooibos, strong and hot please!" His adjutant saluted crisply and left the tent. General Eisenhower smiled, "Ah! Adam! So pleased to see! Do come!" He looked at Sir Dalgliesh keenly, trying to discern signs of fatigue, or defeatism perhaps. But in this he was defeated. Gen. Physl. Dalgliesh was alert and vigorous, his eyes gleamed even more maniacally than usual. Gen. E was comforted, "Ah! Adam!" he said, "we are in a conundrum, of sorts..." he looked appealingly at Gen. D, "we have the Germans, sort of, but not quite... you see... its all brains from now on" At the word "brains" Gen Physl. D brightened, and his hair radiated wildly, twisting and curling, looping back, like coronal arcs in a solar flare. The surface temperature of his brain was over a million degrees Kelvin.

Quickly, Gen. E highlighted the problem. The army groups of Montgomery and Bradley were poised to move with massed infantry, artillery and armour, but what they were lacking was "brain power!" thundered Gen. E, striking his fist with force on the table. "By God! We have the square-heads where we want them! We have the troops, the artillery, the armour... but what we need most is neurophysiology!" He looked at Gen. D appealingly, "without neurophysiology, especially the tract-transection units, the GABA inhibitors, the Na+ channel blockers, we are doomed!" He struck his fist forcefully on the table "we need the neuroanatomy! We must know how the Nazi units are tracing their way along the internal capsule!"

Gen Dalgliesh was poised and cool, the Rooibos was refreshing, calming, and all future action was clear. He knew that Gen E was over-excited and so he said coolly, "The GABA inhibitory units are ready to go and we have ample supplies of Bicuculline; the tract-transection units are straining at the leash and are waiting orders; and the channel blockers ... well! What can I say! Their pico-spritzers have been tested and tried, we have huge reserves of TTX, and they are in position!" He contained his excitement and said, "they are awaiting orders!"

"Excellent!" boomed Gen. E, "how many units of the GABA inhibitors?" "Twenty!" said Gen D, "the tract-transection units?" asked Gen. E, "Fifteen, with precision surgical lasers!" said Gen D, and so on. At the end, Gen Eisenhower turned around to Montgomery and Bradley and said, "by God! Thanks to neurophysiology, we can defeat the Hun!"

He turned to Gen. Pysl. Dalgliesh and took his hand in both hands and said "Adam! By heck! Future generations will owe their freedom to neurophysiology, neuropharmacology, and neruroanatomy!" Gen. D, his hair radiating maniacally in all directions, inclined his head with modesty, and said softly "let us do battle General! I am sure that your confidence in neurophysiology will not be misplaced. We serve the cause of freedom with honour!"

[I conclude the first part of this epic encounter. Future episodes will focus on the battle of the circumventricular organs, the tragic losses in the suprachiasmatic nucleus, the heroic efforts of the allies in the basal ganglia, and finally, how the battle of the inferior colliculus set the stage for the capture of Berlin. In this final episode, we will recount how Gen. Physiol. Dalgleish succumbed to grievous wounds in the battle of the auditory efferents. - Lt. Gen. Physiol. (Retd.) Ratnam.]

(Written in April 2007)