From the Garlic Review of Books

Review by Brian Shaughnessey. 

The Dalgliesh Ultimatum: Who Stole My DNA?
By Francis Hinojosa. 9632 pp. New York, 2007.

In this weighty tome, Adam Dalgliesh, highly trained assassin, continues his global blundering, on a chaotic and paranoid quest for his lost DNA. In Europe (traditionally the origin of all evil) he uses a barrage of techniques to eliminate mostly swarthy Arab-looking men. While many of these involve simple shooting at point-blank range or stabbing, others are more sophisticated battles involving, for instance, lengthy martial arts demonstrations using a hard-bound copy of Guyton's "Medical Physiology" as a defensive shield, and culminating in choking. A gurgling death follows. Needless to say, dead bodies litter the streets of Paris and clog the public toilets.

At one point his paranoia is so great that he single-handedly assaults the entire metro station at Champs Elysees. This, despite the CIA having taken control of the 35 video cameras that monitor the station and positioned fifty four covert operatives. They can only watch helplessly from Langley, VA, as Dalgliesh goes on a rampage kicking, chopping, slashing, cutting, shooting, stabbing anyone who goes by. Creating mayhem like a wounded water-buffalo thrashing about in the undergrowth.

But Dalgliesh does not know who he is. He simply has no idea, just vague memories of being under water and hearing strange voices and seeing blurred faces peering at him through face masks.

Readers may recall that Dalgliesh'es paranoid global search for his lost genes began simply enough in "The Dalgliesh Gametogenesis" (Milwaukee, WI, 2002, 5649 pp.) where the in-utero machinations of the evil CIA lead to a loss of Dalgliesh'es DNA. Simply put, his zygote was implanted with surrogate DNA. His paranoia is therefore embryogenic.

Then in "The Dalgliesh Identity" (Lubbock, TX, 2003, 7563 pp), we witness Adam Dalgliesh mature into a teenage assassin and develop facial hair. Around the time his rima glottidis enlarges and the thyroid cartilage becomes prominent he notches his 654th kill. He also starts to have strange dreams about being held under water. He hears voices and sees strange faces. The DSM IV indications are all there. He is prescribed clozapine and electroconvulsive therapy.

In a little known book "The Dalgliesh Gonadarche" (Podunk, NY, 2003, 235pp.) Hinojosa digresses into the physiology of the onset of puberty in Dalgliesh, and the behavioral and anatomical changes that this traumatic event manifests. It is a tedious book describing an awkward and acne ridden teenager watching television, eating pizza, and getting up only occasionally to assassinate the neighbors cats. It is a comparatively slim volume, but a favourite among Dalgliesh aficionados because it features Dalgliesh using a SIG SG550 Sniper's rifle to pot cats. A true first.

Now Dalgliesh returns to deliver his ultimatum in "Who stole my DNA?" The readers are spared any unnecessary suspense that could possibly enrich the book. We know the CIA did it. He knows the CIA did it, and the CIA knows that he knows that the CIA did it. They are terrified of Dalgliesh, the most lethal of lethal assassins. But they have created this monster. Hardly time to complain "how much sharper than a serpent's tooth" etc. (King Lear).

The fear is so great that Angela L, ruthless chief of covert operations in Manhattan commands at one point "I want this building cordoned off for 1000 blocks in all directions! No! Wait! Make that 1200 blocks!" Her deputy protests "Heck chief! There aren't that many blocks in Manhattan". She snaps "well! find them!" Then she rounds on her team "Listen up! This is a class A, National Security Directive 5. Dalgliesh is here. I want rendition protocols, and put the asset on stand-by just in case." And so it goes on, in breathless style. Who does Robert Ludlum think he is? Hinojosa?

Then the denouement. Dalgliesh crashes into the secret medical center of the CIA in Manhattan, and confronts the evil doctor Wong Min (an Asian villain, obviously). He discovers the secret of his strange dreams and hallucinations. All the water he is surrounded by? That's amniotic fluid, a soupy rich broth that is nourishing his zygote. The strange faces he keeps dreaming about are those of the evil resident Dr. Wong  Min and his assistants mucking about with his DNA.

He soon sets them right. Slashing, shooting, chopping, kicking, stabbing, poking, he proceeds to demonstrate a truly vast repertoire of CIA tricks. He slays his opponents. The CIA is bested by the CIA. Dalgliesh emerges unscathed, his memory retrieved and his identity restored. He discovers he was formerly Rama Ratnam, a dull and boring scientist suffering from astigmatism, chronic borborygmia, severe  psoriasis, and terminal hemorrhoids. Desperately seeking to overcome his boring existence that largely consisted of dinning the basics of human physiology into the heads of undergraduates, he sought ought an exciting career at the CIA. His predicament followed.


(Written on New Year's Day, 2008)