Notorious Amateur Non-violinist

Adam Dalgliesh, hair radiating in all directions and eyes gleaming with maniacal fervour was standing with his friends PKVK and JB. Along came a rotound moustached figure who hailed JB. JB performed introductions. "Moustache! this is PKVK the famous professional violinist, and this is...". Dalgliesh interjected smoothly "Dalgliesh! Notorious amateur non-violinist!". JB nodded approvingly "that is a good description. The best one I have of you yet!"

Moustache looked at PKVK "heard of you, of course! Superb performance Thursday evening!" He turned to Dalgliesh "I must confess, I have not yet heard you not perform!" PKVK stepped in and said, "Indeed! it is hard to hear a non-performing non-violinist! Hence his notoriety! Just as Salinger never appeared in public, staying quietly in his room to never write his next book, so too is Dalgliesh." Moustache's moustache quivered, "I say! Does it pay to be a notorious amateur non-violinist?" Dalgliesh said "I work all day to not practice the violin. It is hard to earn a living selling such art. I rely on alms."

Moustache, clearly the dogged determined type continued, "yes, but surely! You must belong to some sort of non-orchestra." Dalgliesh nodded "so it is! I am second non-violinist at the non-performing non-orchestra." Moustache, teeth firmly in the ball, worrying it like a terrier, went on "you must have a non-conductor?" JB nodded "and thus, incapable of  producing an electrifying performance!" PKVK chortled and Dalgliesh continued "We do! but we never meet. I hardly know who belongs to the amateur non-musicians non-orchestra. We simply announce our non-performances and never show up."

Moustache, clearly a student of Théâtre de l'Absurde and Dadaism asked shrewdly, "or do you just not announce your non-performances?" JB let out an exclamation in admiration of the penetrating question and Dalgliesh responded "You are very perceptive Moustache! Most of our non-performances are never announced. Thus we are never surprised that no one ever shows up." Moustache asked "tickets?" Dalgliesh smiled "We never announce the sale of tickets thus guaranteeing that they will never be available. People unaware of a non-performance are also unaware that there are no tickets to buy."

Moustache cogitated. As a devotee of Eugene Ionesco and Samuel Beckett, he was clearly impressed. "This is fantastic!" he murmured "you are a non-performing non-violinist, a member of a non-orchestra that never meets, never advertising non-performances for which there are no tickets, and with no audience that is aware of all this! Bravo Monsignor! You do Ionesco proud!"

Dalgliesh inclined his head with great modesty "such is art! To which we perform such great service!" Moustache said "or perhaps not?" And Dalgliesh said "and not that too!"

(Written in February 2009)